If I were a lesbian

If I were a lesbian,
If I were a LESBIAN,
I would date Salma Hayak,
(if she’d have me),
because that woman has got it goin’ on,
Or maybe a Janis Joplin,
and she could sing me a melancholy song,
and we would roll a joint together, and wear colorful scarves,
speak freely and get tattoos of magic mushrooms,
If I were a lesbian,
I would date all kinds of women,
but I think I’d prefer a creative type,
like Dickinson or Angelou,
we would write sonnets and create rhyme schemes
unheard ‘til our love bloomed,
Maybe I would go for brains and genius,
Madame Curie or Pearl S. Buck,
with a hiked up skirt and a whole lotta luck,
I could convince the likes of Catherine Zeta,
or Jessica Alba to get with this,
I’d have them drooling over my quick wit
and soft, pink lips.
If I were a lesbian I wouldn’t want that Pitt fellow
and I wouldn’t need Clooney, helloooo,
I would be so pleasantly pleased with my sexuality,
I would probably be approximately.....8 times more promiscuous,
because sex would be safer and significantly less conspicuous,
because really? Where can you NOT have lesbian sex?
All you need is a blanket to camouflage those flexible fingers!
And honestly, I would never not linger in lingerie stores,
because I swear those signs are basically soft porn,
And, out? I would be soooo out.
I would be the most out.
Not because I’m stronger,
But because I’ve seen what being “in” does
to a woman,
and “in” is enforced by intelligent, intellectual,
integrated individuals,
and it is insane that anyone should feel afraid
to be who they are in this day and age,
And this is for all the hot shot,
not shit,
small dick,
threesome wishin’,
insecure mother fuckers
who say,
-yeah, I’m cool with some chicks gettin’ down,
but two men, that’s just plain wrong-
This is for every spunky sorority sister
who makes out with her best friend at frat parties,
and come Monday says,
-oh ya know, I’m not bi or anything,
it must have been the bacardi-
baby, if all you want is the attention,
then makeout to your heart’s content,
but if you wake up next to your boyfriend come morning
and wish you had a smooth-skinned, soft-lipped woman
instead, then girl, stop foolin’ yourself,
I don’t blame you,
I blame us, the multitude,
for making the closet so comfortable.
So if I were a lesbian,
I would tell young girls to follow their hearts,
and shut their bibles,
to love courageously,
live unashamedly,
to hold their girlfriend’s hand,
to kiss her in the stands at a football game,
yeah, if I were a lesbian,
I guess I’d do things just about the same,
with the one minor difference.